©2009 Carlynn
No,
that’s not a typo. Fear dominates us when we live with any kind of
abuse. It also dominates the abuser, for that person fears losing
control, losing love, losing you, losing everything. But I’m not so
concerned with the abusers; they rarely change - even with therapy and
motivation - so I’m going to discuss fear in the abused. (I’ll use the
pronoun ‘he’ because most abuse is perpetrated by men, though
there are many males who are abused as well.)
The body’s
response to fear is based on the autonomic nervous system. It is
comprised of two main parts: the Parasympathetic Nervous system (PNS)
and the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS). The SNS is often
referred to as the ‘fight-or-flight’ mechanism in our bodies. It is
what causes us to run when we’re threatened, or to fight when we can’t
run.
An example of this: you’re enjoying dining in a
restaurant and your body is in PNS mode. You’re relaxed; blood flow is
evenly distributed to throughout the body - heart, lungs, kidneys,
stomach, brain, etc. Suddenly in walks an armed man who
begins
shooting. That’s when the SNS kicks in. Your instincts tell you to
flee, to save your life. Adrenaline is pumped out and rushes
to
your muscles, heart and lungs - in preparation for fighting or fleeing
the restaurant. Your SNS screams: DANGER, RUN!
After the
danger is resolved, the body takes time to resettle, to relax again, to
feel ‘normal’ and without the racing heart. This is a good
thing
God gave our bodies; it can save our life and the lives of those we
love. It is what allows a woman to lift a car off a child, a man to
wrestle a madman to the ground in order to save his partner, a family
to say awake for days on end, when a loved one is missing.
Fear
is either rational or its not. An example of rational fear is a
healthy, heightened awareness of bears while hiking. This is rational
because a bear may be in the area and can indeed maim you, so you
remain alert, and armed with pepper gas. An example of irrational fear
is agoraphobia - fear of large crowds or spaces, which can be severe
enough to make someone housebound for years.
Fear can be
desensitized and in some cases this is a good thing. For example: I’m
terrified of spiders; this is an irrational fear because there are only
two poisonous spiders in the US and they rarely kill.
Desensitization therapy would expose me to them slowly, while
I
focus on breathing and imagery. In the end I still may not love
spiders, but I won’t panic at the sight of one.
Desensitization
however, can be used the wrong way -- by us. When we have a
rational fear (of being abused), we often over-ride the SNS’s
fight-or-flight mechanism by telling the (very real) fear, ‘it’s ok,
I’ll be fine, he never really hurts me, I deserved it,’ etc. If we deny
and ignore the warning signs and fear long enough, we eventually make
our bodies think ‘everything is OK, there’s nothing here to be afraid
of.’ We’re tricking our bodies and kidding ourselves.
Eventually
the feared thing isn’t so scary anymore, and when we desensitize
ourselves unconsciously, in an effort to downplay abuse, it can be very
dangerous. We make excuses for our abuser and we believe his
excuses: ‘he’s sorry, he won’t do it again, he loves me and
no
one else ever would, I can’t support myself if I leave, I’m a
sex-addict so I can’t help myself, my children need a father so I have
to stay with him, I deserve the abuse,’ and on and on. The reasons to
stay are as endless as our imaginations.
But they are
hogwash, lies. You can leave, you can make it on your own, and you can
find a love that honors instead of terrorizes you. You can indeed break
free of these bonds of evil that chain you. You owe it to
your
children and others who love you. Your kids deserve to grow up knowing
what happiness looks like, and to not be afraid all the time.
And
you owe it to them, to everyone who is watching you slowly die, and to
yourself to get help.
When you live in SNS mode, your
adrenaline is always pumping, you’re never relaxed when the abuser is
around, you tip-toe around him, you bow to his every wish, and your
muscles are always stressed and tense. Over time, what this does to us
is seen in statistics every year: heart disease is the number
one
killer of women, and we have others illnesses in the form of migraines,
stomach aches, depression, hypertension, etc, which can result from
that never-ending stress you live with every single day
you’re
being abused. You’re hiking in the woods without pepper spray,
pretending bears don‘t exist.
If you live with an abuser, your
fear is real and rational. Abuse of all kinds is everywhere
and
widespread, and if you’re reading this article, you’re probably
concerned about someone you care about (or yourself) being
abused. Abuse never de-escalates; it almost always escalates,
often until someone dies
God did not author fear, nor does He
condone abuse. No one deserves to be abused and it is never OK for
anyone to abuse another person. Listen to your heart, mind and soul.
Talk with and listen to God. Listen to a friend, an abuse counselor or
therapist. Talk to your neighbor. Go see a minister, any minister. And
perhaps most of all, listen to what God put in your body to save your
life: your SNS. It can save you or it can kill you. Get out while you
can. It’s really that simple. And it’s your choice.
Carlynn
