© 2009 Carlynn
A shocking statistic: in the USA alone, a child is abused approximately
every ten seconds; three of those children will die every day from the
abuse. This, again, is in America only. But it happens
everywhere, under our noses, every single day.
I’m going to tell you here how to spot
abuse - all different kinds - whether it is happening in your own home
or someone else’s. If it is happening to your own child but
you aren’t the abuser/predator, chances are that you already suspect
who is. It could be someone in your house regularly, someone at your
child’s school, someone your child has contact with, (ie the child is
easily accessed by the predator.) It could be an uncle, a
step-father, a baseball coach, a piano teacher, but regardless: whoever
it is needs to be reported to the authorities and immediate steps taken
to remove the child from the abusive situation. Note: you
don’t need proof of the abuse to report a suspected case, and not all
suspected abuse is indeed abuse, but this is for the authorities to
determine. They have specialized training and can be objective about
the situation, whereas you simply cannot be, because of the fact that
it involves your own child, or a child you’re concerned about.
Yes, even a family
member-abuser must be reported —even if you love that person. Even if
you’re married to him. Even if he’s a respected pillar of the
community. Even if you’re pregnant with his child. Even if you’ll be
homeless without him. There are innumerable resources to help you and
your family recover from abuse, so there are absolutely NO excuses.
Because to protect the predator/abuser is to say, in effect: I love him
more than my child. And if you choose to stay with someone
who is hurting your child or children, you’re just as guilty.
Because the fact is: he is not going to stop until someone stops
him. And until your child turns 18 years of age, you have a
duty to protect your kids, whenever possible, from harm. Of course when
confronted, the predator will deny the abuse or say: ‘That’s in the
past,’ or ‘It was a misunderstanding.‘ or the telling denial
‘I’d never hurt a child!’ (notice that those statements are
all about the abuser’s concern for himself and not the child.)
And they’re most likely lying. It’s in
their veins, their eyes, their heart and in their past, for most
predators were abused themselves as children, without intervention
—which is yet another reason it’s so crucial to break the
cycle of abuse: you don’t want your child to grow up and abuse another,
do you? And if you don’t report the present abuse, you may as
well be hurting the child yourself, for you’re enabling it to continue
and betraying a helpless, innocent child who relies on you. I daresay
you’re even helping to ruin a life, perhaps many lives, because of the
continuous cycle of abuse. Think seriously about that.
If you know your child well, it should
be fairly easy to spot the abuse - IF in fact you want to
know.
*
Too often, our subconscious niggles and gnaws at us
until we’re ready to accept something. This happens a lot to me and I
(a Christian) call it: ‘God-speak.‘ It makes me restless and
uneasy, often even waking me in the night til I get the message He’s
trying to get through to me. When I finally realize it, so often it’s
something that’s been staring me in the face, but I wasn’t ready to
see. (But our loving God is patient with us; He knows our weakness, and
nothing is unforgivable with Him - not even being a party to abuse.
But… you have to be willing to make some changes, to step out of your
comfort zone, to take bold steps and corrective action, or else you’re
just as guilty as before you realized the thing that was at the tip of
your heart and mind.) If you’re not a Christian, that’s ok
too; you still know what messages I’m talking about— the ones
that keep you awake, tug at your subconscious, make you think: there’s
something here I should know, something I should be aware of…
And once you know, you absolutely must
act appropriately to save your child’s heart, body and perhaps most
importantly, emotional well-being. You simply have to put your child’s
wellbeing above your own happiness. It’s called parenting; its called
selfless-ness; it’s called responsibility; it’s called love. Abuse
hurts and scars (sometimes bloody cuts and other outward signs of the
abuse) but it is the long-term scars and misery that will haunt you and
your child, if you allow the abuse to continue instead of getting
help. These scars are the result of the abuse
itself —and the never-ending cycle of doubt, anger, shame, self-hatred,
etc —as well as from the child holding it in, keeping quiet and going
along; from the sense of betrayal by both the abuser as well as people
who knew the abuse was happening but did nothing to stop it; the sense
of loss of protection from the indignities of this world; and even the
very loss of identity of ’self.’ These wounds are much slower
to heal than cuts and bruises. And some never heal, especially if the
child is left in the abusive situation or does not get counseling after
being removed.
What untreated abuse in adults looks
like is: the inability to have meaningful, long-term relationships with
others; the inability to trust others or themselves; the inability to
live full, meaningful, guilt-free lives filled with happiness and
harmony; and the inability to even become the magnificent adults they
were meant to be. The residue of abuse can play out in numerous
destructive ways including drug abuse, self-mutilation, criminal
activity, and even suicide, and its easy to see why. When you think the
whole world is against you or that it is a place only of darkness and
pain—from a young adult’s viewpoint—really, what’s the use in
continuing?
*I
wrote earlier that if you know your
child well, the abuse should be easy to see. However, this is not
always the case. The behavioral changes may be easy to spot, but we may
not connect them to abuse. And it’s noteworthy to say that all
behavioral changes are not necessarily because of abuse - yet they are
all indicative of something gone wrong in the youngster’s
life. We all know that kids are masters at hiding things -
whether marbles in their noses or frogs in their pockets (smile), or,
more dangerously, things they have been told they must keep
secret. Sometimes the abuser/predator threatens them with harm or harm
to their loved ones, if they tell. Other times children feel - wrongly
- that they instigated the abuse somehow, or that they’ll be blamed for
it or that no one will believe them anyway. (This happens a lot when
the abuser is a respected member of the church, family, or community.)
If the child has tried before to ‘tell’ by hinting at the abuse yet no
one heard their quiet cries, then their fears that they won’t be
believed are real. They can also be shamed by the predator,
into thinking that since they indeed haven’t told a trusted adult, they
are complicit in, or responsible for, the abuse. So think of
it from their perspective, while you look for the abuse - or the
predator:
One of the first signs that a child is
being abused is changes in behavior in some obvious areas:
mood, sleep, appetite, attitude and response to others. These
changes can include being withdrawn or downright depressed; attempts to
run away or consistently wanting to stay at a friend’s house (ie not
wanting to be at home); complaints of physical ailments such as
headaches or stomach aches; nightmares or insomnia; drug use or
experimentation, choosing different friends or shutting friends out; or
just becoming generally withdrawn, unhappy and secretive.
(Note: this is a very limited list of signs of abuse; in the next
article I’ll delve more deeply into more of the behavioral changes most
often seen in abused children, as well as special things to look for
depending on the type of abuse being done to the child.)
What has changed and when did it start?
Was Johnny a good student, outgoing and friendly last year, but perhaps
over the summer changed quite a bit? Maybe his mother remarried this is
simply an adjustment period; perhaps it is something more ominous - but
either way, there is a reason Johnny‘s behavior has changed. Was your
own child a happy, healthy kid a year ago, but not anymore? Why is
that? What has changed?? Evaluate everything and don’t be afraid to ask
questions - of the child and of the parents.
So please, today, take a good look at
your kids, your neighbor’s kids, and the kid in school who is acting
out— and open your eyes. You might be shocked at what you see, but at
least you will indeed, finally, see. The devil you know is always
better than the devil you don’t.
About the author:
Carlynn recently published Angels in the
Landfill (Mixed Blessings and Saving Graces) ©2009.
Her 21- year old daughter was murdered by her fiancé in 2001. The link
to information about her book is:
"
http://www.iuniverse.com/Bookstore/BookSearchResults.aspx?Search=Angels%20in%20the%20Landfill"
Or for more details us this link to
