(With special focus on Childhood
Abuse)
Regardless of the type of abuse a child experiences, it will leave
scars. And they may not be visible at first, but if not dealt with and
remedied (ie taken out of the abusive situation and counseling
thereafter) these scars can later split wide open, leaving emotional
bloodshed on us all. Why ‘all’ of us? Because when a child is
at risk of, or actually being abused, our silence is complicity and
then we’re as guilty as anyone.
You may have heard of the ‘cycle of
abuse.’ What this means is that an abused child grows up to
either abuse his/her own child(ren) or seek out abusive
relationships, as that is what they see as a ‘normal’ home life. Many
times the abuser grew up in a controlling, isolated environment where
either or both of the parents drank, used drugs, were aggressive toward
each other, mentally or emotionally unstable, lacked
restraint with anger issues, and stressed out or overwhelmed due to
losses, financial problems, divorce, child custody issues,
etc. These are but some of the reasons; however
they are not excuses, by any means. The abused child then grows up and
attempts to re-create his/her own abusive childhood, by controlling and
abusing others. Thus, the ‘cycle’ continues.
But it gets worse: abusers can start out
appearing to be concerned, but the ‘concern’ often grows into control,
and then intimidation and terror, which he/she perpetrates on everyone
in his/her household, including spouse, kids and pets. To the outside
world however, abuse often looks like an average home, a regular or
normal household. Sometimes the head of household is even a
minister or police officer. But if we look more closely, there are red
flags all over the place. And in order for us as a society to stop the
cycle of abuse, we must be willing to face some hard truths, to look
behind the smiles hiding the bruises, and to advocate for the battered
child or spouse.
It’s not too hard to spot abuse and
neglect, if you’re willing to see it. And if you’re in a teaching or
care-giving profession or work environment you’re in a good position to
look for the signs. If you notice a child who is withdrawn or
conversely, needing excessive affection, running away a lot, depressed,
and perhaps as teenagers turning to alcohol or drugs to numb
themselves, has many unexplained bruises/injuries, is hospitalized
frequently or has little medical treatment and not under a
consistent physician’s care, pay close attention. He/she will
often exhibit anger management issues and rage, aggression or hostility
toward others, is often unkempt and with poor hygiene, is hungry or
underweight, or desperately avoids going home. These are huge red flags!
Let’s look at the specific signs of the
main types of abuse: emotional, physical and sexual. Bear in
mind however, that many signs cross over on the spectrum of abuse, and
sometimes only a professional can tell for sure what type of abuse, if
any, the child is undergoing. Also remember that rarely is a
child abused in just one category; often there will be several kinds of
abuse going on simultaneously.
The emotionally abused or neglected
child may have poor self esteem. They will often complain of somatic
problems such as stomach aches, headaches, nightmares, dropping grades
or decreased attendance in kindergarten/school, rapid mood changes,
anxiety or nervousness, an exaggerated startle reflex, unrealistic
fears, and desperate attempts to avoid the abusive environment. He/she
has very little self-confidence and even lower self-esteem. Their
overriding attitude is one of helplessness or hopelessness.
The physically abused child will often
have cuts, bruises or other injuries that don’t match his/her or the
parents’ explanation. Starvation is another sign that food is
being withheld from the child, perhaps as punishment. The child might
be seen stealing food or going to a neighbor’s house frequently to ‘get
a snack’ and then eat huge amounts of food. At worst, they will
‘dumpster dive’ in attempt to fill their hungry bellies.
The sexually abused child will often act
out their abuse in sexual behavior that is way beyond what most kids do
or say at their age level. Much of their play with other
children may be sexually explicit. They may even use dolls to simulate
things they’ve experienced or seen: ie sexual positioning and
pantomime. The child who is abused sexually might also have many
physical manifestations such as bed wetting, soiling of linens, urinary
tract infections, yeast or sexually transmitted infections, and become
very guarded when innocently touched by teachers, strangers or
parents. This child may also be constantly lacking in sleep -
staying awake throughout the night terrified the abuser will come to
his/her room. Disciplinary problems and depression/mood changes are
often present when a child is being sexualized.
Why don’t these kids speak out? Many
reasons! Usually their abuser threatens another member of the
family or something else the child loves (such as a sibling or a pet)
with injury or death if they tell anyone. Abusers also are quite adept
at manipulation, and will convince a child that no one will believe
him/her, or that he/she is as guilty as they are. They may even
threaten to harm the child. Or they may tell the child what would
happen if anyone knew of the abuse: they’d be placed in foster homes,
they’d never see their mother/sister, etc again, they’d live the rest
of their childhood neglected and unloved in an orphanage, they’re
‘lucky’ to have a home in the first place, because no one else would
even want the child, and so on. Remember that children are much like
innocent animals in some respects: they want to please
people, and they want to trust and to be loved - and in the context of
those facts, will often believe whatever is told to them.
The battered woman will often exhibit
many of the same signs that an abused child will. They tend to be very
guarded, not making friends (most often because they know the abuser
will never let them go ‘out with the girls’) and they may have a highly
sensitive startle reflex or jump at the sound of the abuser’s voice or
footsteps. Their bruises may be explained away as ‘I fell’ or if they
own up to being abused, they’ll say ‘I deserved it’ or ‘I provoked it’
or ‘He’s under a lot of stress right now.’ And you can bet
that any children in the household are emotionally traumatized at the
very least, if their parent is abused. Can you imagine lying
awake at night listening to the person you love most in the world
crying, screaming, being beaten?? And usually these children
are victims of some sort of abuse beyond just the emotional.
Why don’t these women speak out? Again,
many reasons. They may have grown up in an abusive home and thus think
it abuse is normal behavior. They may likely be dependent on the abuser
financially and even emotionally. They may be addicted to drugs. They
often feel they deserve the abuse, or ‘asked for it.‘ They fear
loneliness and loss their home and sense of security. They may be
afraid of repercussions - such as the abuser turning to the child(ren)
to abuse, or even kidnapping. They may have been brainwashed to believe
no one else would ever love them like the abuser does. They may not
want to leave their family pet(s) with the abuser. Or they may just
want to believe that things will get better, the abuser will change,
he’ll stop the abuse once he gets that raise and monetary stress is
lessened, etc.
But the fact remains that very few
abusers ever stop - and even more rarely do they stop the abuse without
intensive counseling, motivation (ie court-mandated therapy or
treatment) or until they kill the abused. Yes, you read that right:
every single day in the US there are approximately (depending on which
statistics you look at) 3-6 children and women who die from abuse in
this country alone!
We as parents essentially take a vow
upon giving birth, to provide the safest and best possible childhood
experience for our child(ren). We are ultimately responsible legally,
emotionally and physically for our child’s and our own safety and
well-being.
But often it falls to a concerned and
watchful community to spot abuse and take measures to get help and aid
for the abused. Remember that to report abuse you do not have
to identify yourself; you can make an anonymous call to the Dept. of
Social Services and they can do a home check. You can also call the
child’s school or physician, with your concerns. You can ask the police
to do a ‘security check’ on the household. You can give the abused
woman or child a business card for a ‘help-line’ or a number to call if
they are afraid.
You can also call or visit the following
links:
www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/safehaven.cfm
or
call the National Coalition against Domestic Abuse at: 1-800-799-SAFE
(1-800-799-7233) or the corresponding website:
www.ncadv.org/contactus.php
National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453)
These organizations can help direct you to a helpline in your own
country or state. You can also look in the front of your local
telephone book under ‘Social Services’ to find a number to call for
suspected abuse, or if you need help yourself. Don’t be
afraid to call 911 if you feel the circumstances are emergent. Be sure
to let the abused know that you are there to help him/her, and not the
abuser. And bear in mind that the most dangerous time for victims of
abuse is when they are preparing to leave the situation. This is
because the abuser becomes enraged and often violent when he sees that
he is losing control.
Laws and measures to protect victims
continue to advance. As an example, recently Paula Abdul, former
American Idol judge, signed on to be a spokesperson for PAWS (Pets and
Women’s Shelters Program) which enables women and children to bring
their beloved pets with them to some shelters. Laws continue to tighten
for abusers, and protection for the abused is gaining legal ground as
well. So there is help; there is hope! Pray, pray, pray for the
oppressed and abused, but also take pro-active measures on their
behalf, especially when it comes to children, who usually aren’t able
to find available resources on their own.
Please, don’t let someone you know, or a
neighbor or student, continue to suffer, even if they refuse your
offers of help and deny any on-going abuse. You may be saving a life by
making a simple phone call on their behalf. If you’re wrong, no harm
done. But if you’re right, you may very well be saving a life. Domestic
violence is not only a crime; it’s also a crying shame. Don’t
compound the atrocity by being silent.
References
www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/abuse-neglect-effects.html
www.ncadv.org
©2009 Carlynn, author of
Angels in the Landfill (Mixed Blessings and Saving Graces)
All rights retained.
Carlynn knows a lot about the ravages of abuse, as her 21 year old
daughter was killed at the hands of her fiancé’ when she threatened to
leave him. Please visit the author’s website for more on
domestic violence:
http://www.shoutlife.com/Carlynn_AngelsRest
