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Crying In The Silence
Dedicated to the victims of abuse

TESTIMONIES

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As we receive testimonies from victims
we will share them on this page.
The latest testimony will be at the top.

Testimonies will not be used without
direct permission and then the testimony
will remain anonymous. This is so that
people can reveal their story and protect
those they feel need to be protected.
All testimonies are from named people.

In my late forties I was confronted by a little girl I didn’t want to know. She appeared suddenly without warning and she shocked me with horror and trauma of her experience. I felt sick in the stomach; they were so graphic, so terrible. I didn’t want to know. That little girl was me. The memories of what had happened to me had been locked away so tightly I had no recollection of the abuse, the court case or the shooting.

We had only been in Bangkok a few short months, having felt called to set up a home for abused children, when this happened. The flashbacks left me feeling traumatized and trapped. But things began to make sense. Although I didn’t remember, I battled the feelings of shame, guilt, lack of trust and the sexual fantasies that I now know are grounded on fact.

Depression like a black hole swallowed me up and all I could do was hang onto His word. It was a painful journey, but I learnt so much about the faithfulness of our God. A Christian psychologist who had become a close friend in language school supported me as I virtually relived the experiences.

It wasn’t until I integrated that little girl and accepted her as being part of me that I began to heal. Although painful the journey has also been insightful. The Holy Spirit shone light into core beliefs that lay deep within – beliefs such as “I don’t count” When things get really bad I only have me to survive.” Times of repentance followed, but with it a sense of His love and compassion.

Some years later He touched me afresh and removed the feelings of being unclean and the shame. For the first time that I could remember I felt shinning clean. Up to that time shame had prevented me sharing my story, but now I have shared it many times to encourage others on their journey of recovery. “He has anointed me to bring Good News to heal the broken hearted, and announce freedom to all captives.”
 
Last night I was on the Internet searching sites about this subject of love making, to find out some answers to my problems. After reading some of the stuff on these sites I thought my goodness, its an eye opener and I asked myself am I normal.
When two people come together in love it should be something very tender and for each partner to be comfortable in doing otherwise its not a pleasurable experience. When you are in love, you want to please them so much and make them happy but its not just in the sexual act but in everything, for me the both go together. The sad part is many women and men really do fall in love, but often the partner is only there for a sexual need, I believe we know deep inside us whether we are loved or not as it shines from your partners heart and others notice that kind of love  as well because it beams.
Some of the actions on those sites last night horrified me, especially the reports coming from couples about anal sex which I feel is dangerous. Aids runs rampart in some countries.  Even though I have been abused and for many years it played hell with me, but eventually I came to that point where I started to relax and enjoy love making and even took it further by experiencing areas I have never done and I had no problem with that, but when you are made to feel that no matter how hard you try, you're still not good enough or kinky enough, it can do so much damage because you start losing your confidence in yourself again. If I was to start a new relationship with someone and we became a couple, I would  be scared that I would lose the man I love  if ever we had a sexual relationship. I am not even sure if this man  realizes the damage he has done, by saying all those unkind things to me, last night he said I need to see a sexual therapist.
If I was in a relationship and my partner had sexual problems, I would go out of my way to be understanding and help that person overcome. I would never make them feel inadequate, because the seed of damage is planted and you would have doubts on your own performance every time you make love, which then would affect the way you made love because you would not be relaxed in fear of not pleasing your partner.

When you have been a victim of abuse, for some reason or other, not in all cases, but in my case you seem to get attracted to the wrong kind of people. As I was growing up, I had a very rebellious nature and the person I was I hated. Some of the things that  I've done in my past, I am horrified; when I think I am no better then the person who abuse me. I did not enjoy my childhood because my parents to me were not normal parents. I use to compare my parents with my friends parents. I was clothed and fed well and I lived in  a clean house, but I was not loved as I should have been. My Dad always use to say to me, children should be seen and not heard, I know many people have told me that their parents  have said the same thing to them. When I was nine years old, my Dad was interested in buying and selling real-estate and he often asked me to go along with him, mum was never on any of these trips. Dad started talking to me about boys, at first I thought nothing of it. Then he use to tell me about development in girls, He got on the subject of breasts and how boys liked girls who were well developed, he told  me that they should be massaged so that the breasts would develop, I was a little young to understand all of this but I remember the conversations. My parents run boarding houses in Melbourne and Dad purchased a house at Port Melbourne, that was our private residence that we use to go home too in the evening. Dad often took me on his trips alone and told me that in the old Biblical days Jewish Fathers had to break in their daughters, again I didn't exactly understand what he meant by that. He started taking me home to our private residence during the day while mum was back working in the boarding house, On these occasions he started to undress and show me his genitals and tried to explain what girls need to do to boys. I was very confused and did not understand what my dad was doing at the time, I hated touching him in that area, my skin crawled. He use to say if I be nice to him he would get me things, like I wanted a some black tights and he said if I did what he asked, he would get them. So I started touching and pulling my Dad until he ejaculated. One particular time this happened, he came on my legs and I went cold and scared. I thought I could get ;pregnant by that happening, that's how naive I was. When I got back to the boarding house I went straight to my Mum and I was crying and saying to her that the stuff went all over my legs but no seeds got inside. Of course my Mum did not understand what I was crying about at the time. Then I tried to tell her what Dad was doing. Disbelief was the first reaction naturally and she asked Dad what was all this about, Dad tried to make out I was telling lies, He threatened me and I told my Mum the story was not true. That was the last incidence of my Dad's sexual abuse on me. As I grew older and understood more about right and wrong, what my Dad did to me use to burn inside my heart and I hated him. Whenever there was a fight between us, I would always bring it up, with the same response I was threatened. My Mum refused to believe the truth. I rebelled in my teenage years, lied stole things did everything wrong because I believed I was no good and it was my fault.
My parents use to say I was liar and never encouraged me even with schooling. I felt I was dumb dirty and scared,  I thought I was abnormal.  When I first started looking at boys, my Dad and Mum use to accuse me of having sex with them. That of course was not true, because for one I was actually too scared to go that far. I  had feelings of course but it did not happen. My parents had some very close friends and their daughter use to  help my Dad in the milk bar that they run for a little while and apparently Dad use to try and touch her on her behind and spoke to her in a sexual manner, she told her Mum and of course they were very shocked but did not know how to approach my parents on this subject, back then it was a subject you did not like talking about.  I actually told these friends of my parents about my encounter but they did not believe me because of Dad telling them I was a compulsive liar, although they did have their doubts after their daughter told them what had happened to her.  My relationships suffered severely. I was married at 18 to get out of home, but the marriage failed it was never consummated, I did try but I would never let a man penetrate me. My first husband use to say I was not a normal woman, so my opinion of myself was very low. Finally I went to a doctor, but they could not examine me as I was petrified. Then they put me under anesthetic to examine why I would not let no doctor near me. They found I was very small, but after that operation I was very capable of having a normal sex life. But that did not fixed the problem mentally. In my next relationship I tried to have a normal sex life, it took awhile but finally I was able to be a normal woman, We had 3 children between us, but because my ex husband was an alcoholic we suffered severely for many years, I was physically and emotionally battered and I felt like dirt.  My ex husband use to punch and abuse my first born son, so to me, my life seem cursed.  I did leave him many times, but then got involved in another relationship with a man who dumped me after I fell pregnant.   I did not trust anyone not even God, but I did cry out to Him and praise God that He has healed my heart of so much pain and suffering, This is not the end of my story, but its a small outline of what abuse does to a person.
Raising my children, was not an easy task for me, my husband did not support me or the children. Most of my entire marriage I had to live on a support pension so that my children and I could survive. My husband use to earn good money but it went on alcohol, smokes and he loved spending heaps of money on vehicles but we were forever in debt. When my husband got paid he often went to the pub, when he got home he was drunk and very abusive not only to me but to our children especially my son who was only 3 years old. He use to hit and grab him by his ears and pull them hard, yell at him using fowl language.  My young son use to cower down. He hardly ever hurt my daughter, but she use to see this abuse. My husband could not get close to our son;   David spent 8 months in Hospital from 11 days of age, because he had a serious malabsorption problem. The bond that was suppose to grow between father and son did not happen. My husband only went to see our son once during his 8 months stay in hospital and that was because he was   not expected to live through the night. I asked him why he would not visit David and he said he was a sickly child and that he didn’t like hospitals.  When I  cooked my husband a meal, often it would land on the floor especially if it was something he did not want, then  he would start abusing me. I was afraid of him. Eventually I got up enough courage to leave him; he nearly wiped us all out after we collided with a very large Scraper (heavy earth moving equipment).  We were taking our daughter to the hospital as she was sick. My husband started drinking early in the morning, so he was under the influence of alcohol at the time of the accident.  My young son had blood running down his face and instead of worrying about us, my ex husband   got out of the car and abused the operator of the machine.  My life of abuse did not stop here,  I hated my  childhood because of  my Dad’s sexual abuse, one failed marriage behind me  because of fear,  then marrying  my second husband  only to continue my life of deep despair, only now it was affecting my children seriously.  I use to dread each day that came. 
How I praise God for giving me the opportunity to receive Jesus as my Savior.
Abuse of all kinds seems to run rampart in our society today, especially with children. Sometimes its harder to deal with the rejection part of abuse rather then the actual abuse. What I mean by that is, when you try to tell people about what is happening at home, their reaction is of disbelief, they make you feel sometimes that you are making it all up. Rejection I felt from my mother was enormous; in fact she actually accused me of being my fault for my Dads sexual abuse and that was many years later. 

I returned to my husband because I had become a Christian, I decided that I should try and hold my marriage together.  My husband had a serious car accident that almost killed him through alcohol and then a few years later he had another accident that was not his fault but he unfortunately received serious spinal damage and I became his Carer, but it didn’t prevent him from drinking  or physically abusing his family and of course me. My children suffered deep emotional heartache of what they had to witness in their Dad’s actions.  Often he use to curse me to death and he prayed that I would rot in hell, many times I have had a carving knife thrown at me, I use to run and hide,  my children heard  and saw all of this. As my eldest son grew into a teenager, he became very rebellious because of his father’s rejection and many times he was punch and abused with rotten language. As a teenager David nearly tried to commit suicide about 3 times. By the grace of God I still have my eldest son. Sadly David grew up with serious relationship problems and got into the hard drugs. He has 6 children by two different women and shares very little part of their lives, He can not adjust to any kind of relationship, not even with me.  Joshua my youngest son ended up in jail, he was not abused in the way David was, and it was the absolute opposite to how his brother got treated, but his father gave in to his every wish and encouraged Joshua to steal and smoke at a very early age, but the end result was the same, Joshua often cut his wrists for attention with a razor blade. Praise God that today, through my prayers that both my boys hold down good jobs and Joshua has a nice girl in his life, sadly David still experiences many problems, especially with anger. My Daughters went through very bad times but today they have grown into wonderful people and both have adorable husbands.

My ex husband at the age of 62 is in a nursing home now, in a serious condition. My ex husband was also abused as a child by his step father who use to belt him over and over again, my ex husband never had any schooling education, he was flogged to work from the age of five. Abuse seems to be like a roller coaster, it’s like a curse.

My parents were involved in the supernatural for many years; I believe to this day that our family was cursed through their involvement.  I am now no longer under that curse because I belong to Jesus. The years of abuse took its toll on my health, I was diagnose with Lymphocytic Leukaemia early in 2006, depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia and Thyroid cancer, my daughter Selina was healed from a very rare cancer by the Lord, I lost my brother through Acute Myeloid Leukemia and then suffered a nervous break down. My Dad died from a heart attack and my mother walked away from all of her family at the age of 83 and remarried a very abusive man who also abused us all and I haven’t been able to see her since and that is over two years now.

My only hope was Jesus; He is my healer, my deliverer, my redeemer. Today   I am a very happy contented woman, through prayer and support of so many wonderful people I have rose above all of what was destroying me and my family. Even though I have Leukemia I feel healthier then I have in years.  So far I have not needed treatment. The answer is Jesus, lift all your burdens to Him and He will take them all and heal your heart, mind and body.
 
There is another kind of abuse, that I would like to share. Many vulnerable women, men and children become targets for sexual abuse on the Internet.
This is my story, its not going to be easy to share but I believe it necessary. Because of all the rejection in all my  relationships, you start to believe there is something very wrong with you. So you sell yourself short of the kind of person you really are. I met a man on the Internet who I wanted to love, because of my own desperate need of a companion  I went out of my way to meet him. This man told me he loved me, we had been chatting a few months. I believed in him because he was  Christian man. We spent two lovely months together or I thought they were lovely and then I invited him to visit Queensland and he came up and spent 3 weeks here. Then he went home and stopped chatting to me. This hurt me as he refused to give me any reason why. I just recently found out why, this man had a serious problem with sex. He wanted me to have Internet sex with him and because I told him that I could not do that, it does not work for me that way, he dumped me again. He turned the blame on me for dumping me by saying it was  my fault because I could not enjoy what he wanted me to do  to myself and accused me of rejecting him, then he told me that me that when he was married to his wife she rejected him and he was not going to suffer like  that again. When we were together I did not reject him in any way or form. The funny thing is I have been rejected because I refused to have sex with myself,  I started to think of myself as  cheap and nasty. No wonder we get messed up, and start feeling we are nothing and only good for a sexual encounter.
Then last night another male contacted me who was a Pentecostal Christian, he goes to the same sort of church that I go to in Brisbane, I don't even know this man and he asked me if he could come up and stay overnight and cuddle and kiss. You start to lose all sense of value, when men look at you this way. It hurts and I often wonder what has happened to people to want to go out and used someone and then discard them as if they were rubbish. Of all the men I have met there was only one gentleman who was not like that, he became a good friend and is now married to a woman I introduced him too.  I don't understand why people don't want to get to know you as the person you are first and then build a relationship with you.
I attended a boarding school in the 60's where abuse (physical, social and mental) was common place. I carried the scars for over 40 years because of this but it wasn't until I read the information contained on this web site that I finally realised and accepted the fact that I was a victim of abuse and had suffered under that aspect all those years. Just the acceptance of what was really done to me has enabled me, after all that time, to finally start moving forward in my life and become a survivor instead of a victim. My thanks to those who have put this resource together.